Friday, May 13, 2011

Deleted post, frustration, agh.

I wrote about half of an entry yesterday and saved it as a draft, and it's been deleted by the Blogger outage. Oh well.

I guess I'm just sort of frustrated right now. I feel like there's a ton of things going on, and a ton of things that I should be aware of and keeping track of, and I just can't do it. So I'm going to make a list.

1. Sarah's going to be home for a week, and she and my parents will probably be coming to Winona to visit. This is great and everything, but the apartment is a mess, not everything has been moved in, and Nate rolled his ankle last night on our run, so I really can't move the big things too well by myself. But the dishes need to be done, the floor needs to be mopped, we've got a ton of laundry to take of, and I know that no matter what I do, there's still going to be some kind of a mess when they get there. And I'm just not up for being judged on that right now.

2. Work. I have a few forms that I keep putting off filling out (401K, ahem, making investment decisions is haaaard), and I need to do them this afternoon. Or else. Also, having this job split between two receptionists is making for all kinds of miscommunications, and since the other girl is super take-charge and keeps leaving me annoying notes, I'm getting a bit peeved. She's also getting morning training that I'm not, which means that while it may not been good that she still needs someone to sit with her, I'm also getting left out of the loop on some things. That's not really how I want to start this job out. We should always be on an equal footing.

3. Bills. My brain just sort of shuts down when I think about them, like avoiding them will make them go away. I know this isn't the case, so why do I keep doing it? Not having internet isn't helping, either. I really, really need to get these taken care of. I also have a check from the coffee shop that I haven't deposited, because I'm not even sure WHICH bill I need to pay with it. I worked out yesterday that if I only work 15 hours a week at BG, I'll make enough to nominally cover my bills, even if I have nothing left over. Problem is, I'm not even getting that many hours right now. And if I pick up another job, the puppy is going to have to spend more time by himself (we're trying to keep it at three hours or less a day, until his separation anxiety wears off).

4. The puppy. God, I just love him so much. But he's messy, horny, and hates it when either of us leaves, which is adorable when he's just tracking us around the apartment, but worrying if I have to tie him up outside for a few minutes or go to work. The other morning I left him outside of McDonalds for like, three minutes, and he got himself so badly tangled in his leash that it started to choke him. So I had this screaming puppy twisting around, and I couldn't get at the knot because he was so scared he was snapping, and it was only sheer luck that he managed to flip over and right himself. It was terrifying. I never want to see anything like that ever again. I mean, seriously, I'm still not over how badly that scared me.

That walk was actually just really interesting overall. I was able to calm him after that incident with some bacon and hash browns (I know, feeding your dog McDonalds is bad. But it did make him feel better, and that's all I cared about), and we went down to the levee to sit for a few minutes. While we were there, though, I was approached by this guy in his middle ages. I had been watching him because he was walking down below us, and I wasn't too thrilled when he came up and started walking towards me, but I wasn't actually worried - or if I was, I wasn't hiding it too well, because Samson was having none of it. He stopped the guy about ten feet away from me, and wouldn't let him near. And damn, that pup can bark. The guy literally backed away with his hands up. I'm not going to lie, though - I didn't feel too bad about it. In fact, it was actually pretty cool. Even if he didn't mean any harm, I really don't need strange men approaching me when I'm in an isolated area.

I don't know if it's a terribly insecure or bad thing for me to like about having a dog - especially a fairly protective German Shepherd - but I do. I really like it. I can walk comfortably around town at night, absolutely secure in the fact that this dog actually cares about who's approaching me. And at this point, he's met and been really, really good with so many other people and dogs that if he decides that someone is a threat, I'm not going to argue with him unless I know for a fact that they're not. It does mean that I have to make an effort to control my anxiety, because he'll pick up on it more and more the longer he lives with us, but he's also very soothing for it. We even brought him to Ed's the other night (they allow well-behaved dogs in the bar. How cool is that?), and I was able to comfortably socialize for about three hours. It was pretty great.

So anyway, I'm going to go fill out those bank forms I've been putting off, and then check out the summer NaNo program. (Which, btw, I am SO EXCITED about. A summer writing boost is EXACTLY what we need!)


  1. I completely understand about bills. If I think too much about them, I start to lose it. (The good news, though, is that B&N is hiring after all, and have called me to interview on Tues! Wish me luck there!)

    Aw, come on. Don't worry about the apt. Everybody will be so busy falling in love with Sammy that they won't even notice a few boxes here and there. ;)

    Speaking of Sammy - glad to hear he's helping out the social anxiety. I have also noticed just how easy it is to talk to people about dogs. And then walk away. :) Also also, extra glad to hear that he's keeping an eye out for you!

    YAY! We need to talk sometime about NaNo. Hopefully they post more info about it soon!

  2. I'm sure your family won't (or didn't since this is old) mind the mess. You just moved, after all! I'm able to keep up with the cleaning here, but that means that's the only thing I do. But I figure I won't be able to relax if things are messy, so cleaning is now my hobby when Gavin's sleeping.

    I've had to just stop worrying about bills and money at the moment. We're making progress, but still far from being 100% ok. Since we had zero cash coming in, I applied for food stamps and Medicaid for me and Gavin, so we'll see if I get on those. I got on WIC and let me just say it is absolutely humiliating going and buying food with it. No one gave me any looks or anything, but I'm still so embarrassed even though I'm using the program for its intended purpose. Not having health insurance is the biggest stressor for me, though. There's another option if we're denied Medicaid, but it's just so stressful worrying about what could happen if there was an accident or whatever. I found a great pediatrician for Gavin at least, but we're going to have to pay out of pocket for his visit (which is already a month late) and hope we can get reimbursed later. I wish we had lots of money so I could fly you out here for a visit and give you money for time you'd have to take off work :(

    Also glad to hear Sammy's helping your social anxiety. Mine's been sort of bad lately, mostly just cause my overall anxiety level is pretty high. I have a breastfeeding group I go to, but most of the women there already know each other so it's hard to break in. Zach's met a couple people at school who seem great, but I haven't met them yet. One is an ex-Navy guy who's married with a one year old son and they just moved here so hoping maybe I can be friends with his wife since she doesn't know anyone either. We have really nice downstairs neighbors, too, but how often have I gone down to just say hi? Yeah. That many times.

    Well, my food is gone so I better read your other post quickly. Then of course I have things to do. It's virtually Gavin's bedtime now, he's been crying and fussing so long. Poor baby... hmmm maybe that will make for him sleeping a very long time tonight? We can only hope.